I was scanning through the newspaper the other day and came across an article about the present day love and how that people now-a-days do not look for the typical fairytale romance. After reading the article I felt like that was exactly what I've been hearing from my friends. Coming to the issue that I have heard from the constant outpourings from friends here is a feeling of extreme emotional vulnerability. This state of mind is particularly confusing to women and is prominent in those who view themselves as liberated, open-minded and a person doing as they please without being held back by the expectations of the society they live in.
Some twenty years ago in India, it was rare for women to be in a physically intimate relationship before marriage, guess that has since changed. Women going out with colleagues, spending more time with friends than with spouses (I still wonder if they really have to....or simply because they want to) and in the due course of time develop a kind of bond (be it physical / emotional). I call it the "KANK" effect. Those who moved to the west at the time were able to bring such change into their lives. "Empowerment" to live freely came to both (west and east), but only at different times in their lives. Well, well all sounds good. Girls/women today no longer feel that their net worth in the marriage market is dependent entirely on the possession of their “V”. Strangely, other problems have taken their place.....in the brave new world, Indian women are willing and able to enter into a physically intimate relationship without having a wedding date calendared. However, to avoid the feelings of guilt associated with being in such a state, they allow (umm well I feel require) love to lead them there.
So when men are simply not prepared to take on the responsibility of marriage, but want to continue in a friends plus benefits arrangement, women start to become progressively unhappy and unsure, if what they got in to is what they really want. The happiness of uncontrolled or unquestionable freedom is scarred by a troubling sense of doubt and hopelessness. It doesn’t stop there, to make the matters worse, the man suddenly turns into Mama's boy who allows his family to find him a bride and pretends the relationship did not even exist. Often, that's where a girlfriend (like me huh!!) is called and gets to be the much needed shoulder to cry
As much as I want to be helpful to my friends in times of distress, I can't help but point out the terrible flaws in their ways. I don’t say I’m a saint or have any kind of moral high ground. I have told several of them that they need to attune a little and things will improve dramatically. They should get their heads in place and there is absolutely no need to perpetuate a very temporary thing into an unnecessary relationship in order to feel less immoral about it (life would be much simpler and happier if we can undo things we regret about). To get on to your feet, in a situation like this it is not enough to merely shed physical inhibition (which clearly they have already done), when you have made your choice, it is far more important to rise above and shed the moral ones as it poses a subtle but dangerous obstacle in the process of the so-called “being –free/ independent”.
When a woman senses the need for intimacy and does not bother to go out of the way, It's fair to tell a man that's what it's going to be - a short duration liaison with no strings attached and they can go their separate ways after that, rather than forcing him in to something that he’s not ready for. In a way she opens the door for emotional entanglement herself - something I notice girls/woman cannot handle too well. One woman said "That's like making me “Use & throw". I completely agree, it’s just a point of view, in such a case the rules of engagement should be made clear from the start. Men generally like women to be emotionally involved while in a "relationship". To them intimacy without that connection is often quite meaningless. Many will never agree to be part of such an arrangement. Having enjoyed the dominance of being the gender that decides when and how to end things, it may be quite painful not being able to do so.
Some twenty years ago in India, it was rare for women to be in a physically intimate relationship before marriage, guess that has since changed. Women going out with colleagues, spending more time with friends than with spouses (I still wonder if they really have to....or simply because they want to) and in the due course of time develop a kind of bond (be it physical / emotional). I call it the "KANK" effect. Those who moved to the west at the time were able to bring such change into their lives. "Empowerment" to live freely came to both (west and east), but only at different times in their lives. Well, well all sounds good. Girls/women today no longer feel that their net worth in the marriage market is dependent entirely on the possession of their “V”. Strangely, other problems have taken their place.....in the brave new world, Indian women are willing and able to enter into a physically intimate relationship without having a wedding date calendared. However, to avoid the feelings of guilt associated with being in such a state, they allow (umm well I feel require) love to lead them there.
So when men are simply not prepared to take on the responsibility of marriage, but want to continue in a friends plus benefits arrangement, women start to become progressively unhappy and unsure, if what they got in to is what they really want. The happiness of uncontrolled or unquestionable freedom is scarred by a troubling sense of doubt and hopelessness. It doesn’t stop there, to make the matters worse, the man suddenly turns into Mama's boy who allows his family to find him a bride and pretends the relationship did not even exist. Often, that's where a girlfriend (like me huh!!) is called and gets to be the much needed shoulder to cry
As much as I want to be helpful to my friends in times of distress, I can't help but point out the terrible flaws in their ways. I don’t say I’m a saint or have any kind of moral high ground. I have told several of them that they need to attune a little and things will improve dramatically. They should get their heads in place and there is absolutely no need to perpetuate a very temporary thing into an unnecessary relationship in order to feel less immoral about it (life would be much simpler and happier if we can undo things we regret about). To get on to your feet, in a situation like this it is not enough to merely shed physical inhibition (which clearly they have already done), when you have made your choice, it is far more important to rise above and shed the moral ones as it poses a subtle but dangerous obstacle in the process of the so-called “being –free/ independent”.
When a woman senses the need for intimacy and does not bother to go out of the way, It's fair to tell a man that's what it's going to be - a short duration liaison with no strings attached and they can go their separate ways after that, rather than forcing him in to something that he’s not ready for. In a way she opens the door for emotional entanglement herself - something I notice girls/woman cannot handle too well. One woman said "That's like making me “Use & throw". I completely agree, it’s just a point of view, in such a case the rules of engagement should be made clear from the start. Men generally like women to be emotionally involved while in a "relationship". To them intimacy without that connection is often quite meaningless. Many will never agree to be part of such an arrangement. Having enjoyed the dominance of being the gender that decides when and how to end things, it may be quite painful not being able to do so.
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